Help when you need it, a good read when you don't

Search Result

Sex and doing it

BDSM

BDSMBDSM is a shorthand catch-all phrase covering a wide range of activities, including

  • bondage and discipline or B&D
  • domination and submission, or D&S
  • sadism and masochism, or S&M

Some guys may be horrified if they thought they were into BDSM but if you have enjoyed nipple play, squeezing or tugging balls, spanking and giving/ carrying out orders the likelihood is that you have already been there. Most of us have imagined or fantasised about bondage, or other situations involving some level of dominance and submission.

BDSM is about exploring and realising those fantasies in a safe, sane, consensual and fun way. Not all BDSM is overtly sexual although, for many, it is an integral part of sexual enjoyment and lovemaking. Traditionalists will probably say that pure BDSM is sexual excitement and enjoyment caused by inflicting or being subjected to pain.

While accepting this view, sadomasochism is much broader and includes dominant and submissive role-playing, bondage and physical restraint, humiliation, verbal abuse and punishment. In some cases, these practices don’t involve pain, but what they all share is the exchange of power between partners. Sometimes this is dramatic, at other times it can be more subtle, but the degree to which power is exchanged is not important so long as the experience is consensual and enjoyed.

It is also said that BDSM practices involving pain heighten a sexual experience through the release of endorphins in the body. Many men say this experience is far more intense than that of ‘vanilla’ (non-BDSM) sex. Punishment, torture, bondage, humiliation, breath control, catheters and sounding, electro and medical play are the most common BDSM practices, although often they overlap.

Before you get into activities with an obvious potential for harm, such as whipping, torture, heavy restraints, learn what you’re doing first.

Roles

Depending on the scenario or type of BDSM relationship, the active or dominant partner is usually known as the top, master or Sir, while the passive or submissive partner is known as the bottom or slave. Some men have a preference, others will swap roles while others will only take on one. Generally men adopt these only during sex but, occasionally, two men may form a relationship in which they have taken the decision to stay in these roles. The key ingredient of BDSM is the contrasting roles of a top and the bottom.

Safe, sane and consensual

Safe, sane and consensual (SSC) are common principles guiding BDSM relationships and activities.

  • Safe: attempts should be made to identify and prevent risks to health.
  • Sane: activities should be undertaken in a sane and sensible frame of mind.
  • Consensual: all activities should involve the full consent of all parties involved. However, that legal consent may not create a defence to criminal liability for any injuries caused and, for these purposes, non-physical injuries are included in the definition of grievous bodily harm in English law.

Safe, sane and consensual | Wikipedia
First Steps; safety first | SM Gays

BDSM Tip Sheet for Beginners | The Evil Monk
BDSM Beginners Kit | BDSM Learning Center (US)

Safe words

You should agree to use a safe word which, when spoken, says stop and mean stop. It may seem like stating the obvious but don't choose words like 'stop.' Safe words should be simple and non-sexual, e.g.: apple, rainbow, Jeremy Corbyn, David Cameron, Nigel Farage, etc.  This clip takes the piss a little, but you'll get the gist.

Portlandia: Cacao | icepickmilnyc | 31 Jan 2011 2m54s

The links below will explain further.

Finding out more

Whether it's tit torture, bondage, electro, corporal punishment (CP), cock and ball torture (CBT... but not the same as motorcycle Compulsory Basic Training!), catheters, breath control... or something else... the following organisations and links should help.

SM Gays | SM Gays
Hard Cell | THT
Sadomasochism | Wikipedia
BDSM | Wikipedia
The Psychology of Sadomasochism | Psychology Today | 17 Aug 2014
What is SM? | National Coalition for Sexual Freedom (US)
Myles Jackman | Myles Jackman

Erotic electrostimulation | Wikipedia
Cock and ball torture (CBT) | Wikipedia
Bondage | Wikipedia
Edgeplay | Wikipedia

Backlash

Backlash is an umbrella organisation providing academic, legal and campaigning resources defending freedom of sexual expression. It supports the rights of adults to participate in all consensual sexual activities and to watch, read and create any fictional interpretation of such in any media.

Backlash

The Spanner Trust

The Spanner Trust exists to defend the rights of sadomasochists of all sexual orientations and specifically to reverse the UK court ruling which made certain SM activities illegal even though all parties consent. The website contains documents detailing the history of the Spanner case, press releases detailing the Trust's activities, submissions to various bodies on the issue of SM and legal advice.

Website is active but with no updates in recent years.

The Spanner Trust

London Stores

Expectations | Expectations | Map
Regulation | Regulation  | Map

Folsom Street Fair

Folsom Street Fair | Wikipedia

↑ Back to top