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Abuse and violence

Abuse and violence

Abuse and violence You may also find our section on CONSENT AND SEX helpful.

Some boyfriends and partners can become abusive or violent. If you are suffering abuse or in an abusive relationship, or know someone who is, the following may be of help:

  • Domestic violence and abuse does exist between gay men
  • Domestic violence cuts across all groups regardless of race, age, class, religion, lifestyles or disability
  • Domestic violence is about control of one person by another
  • Alcohol, drugs, stress, etc. are not an excuse for violence
  • There is no provocation or justification for domestic violence – the batterer is responsible for their behaviour

If you keep going from one violent or abusive relationship to another then you should examine why, how, and when it happens. This should be a useful start when seeking further help, advice and, perhaps, counselling. Violence and abuse can happen in many different ways and settings. Violence is not always physical, but can also be emotional, mental, verbal and sexual. Violence or abuse can be considered as an intrusion into your life that does not involve your consent or agreement. It is a very personal thing, and what one person feels is abusive another person might not. If it feels abusive to you, try and do something about it. If you feel unable to confront the abusive person – seek advice and help as a matter of urgency. You might be able to get someone to help or act on your behalf. If you are in a abusive relationship you may:

  • Feel that you are to blame
  • Make excuses for your partner’s behaviour, "he can’t help himself, it’s his work... his family... his debts... it’s me... it’s just the way he is..."
  • Find yourself forever anticipating your partner’s next mood swing
  • Feel trapped and believe there is no way out of the relationship
  • Go on loving your partner even though you know what’s happening is wrong
  • Feel confused, depressed, angry, alone, and frightened
  • Do things to make you forget – drink more, smoke more, take drugs, harm yourself
  • Feel that no one else will love you or take care of you
  • Think it will stop soon

If you are on the receiving end of violence it is important to get out as soon as possible and get help. Do not feel guilty that this has happened to you and that, in some way, it’s your fault. It is also important that you do not feel embarrassed about your reactions after the event – you have been through a traumatic and stressful situation. You do not deserve to be on the receiving end of any form of violence or abuse. The abuse or violence only gets worse and can lead to permanent damage or death. If it wasn’t you, it would somebody else.

If you are being abusive or violent towards you partner – there is something you can do to stop. There are a number of groups and organisations that will work with you to help you understand why you are doing this and how to stop. They are there to help you… not to judge you.

What can you do?

  • If violence is happening on a regular basis, find out what help is available to prevent this happening to you. It is also important to record what is happening in case it needs to be used as evidence
  • Tell someone what is happening! Speak to a gay organisation/helpline, or tell someone you can trust
  • Have someone you can call any time
  • Go to a safe place, or plan ahead so that you can get to a safe place quickly, if you are abused again or are scared
  • Use a helpline or call an organisation for lesbians and gay men who are victims of violence or who can help in dealing with the police. You can call just for emotional support, for referrals to support groups or for practical help about possible police/legal remedies
  • The police have specially-trained officers, some of whom are gay or lesbian themselves. When you phone police ask if a gay liaison officer is available
  • In an emergency always call 999

Abuse SupportNational Lesbian, Gay, Bisexual and Trans (LGBT) Domestic Violence Helpline
Following the closure of Broken Rainbow in June 2016, GALOP now runs the LGBT Domestic Violence Helpline. Mon: 10am–8pm | Tue: 10am–5pm (1pm–5pm a trans specific service) | Wed: 10am–5pm | Thu: 10am–8pm | Fri: 1pm–5pm
LGBT Domestic Violence Helpline | 0800 999 5428 |  0300 999 5428

Switchboard LGBT+ Helpline | 0300 330 0630
GALOP | 020 7704 2040
Men's Advice Line | 0808 801 0327
Victim Support

The Havens | 020 3299 6900
The Havens can help you if you have been sexually assaulted or had non-consensual sex in the past 12 months. You can call them 24 hours a day, seven days a week, for an initial assessment. When they need to see you urgently, such as for a forensic medical examination (FME), they aim to see you within 90 minutes. They also offer follow-up care, including counselling, tests and treatments. Its medical and emotional support services are confidential. That means it will not tell anyone you have contacted or come to see them unless you want them to. And you can use any of their services without involving the police. The Havens has 3 centres in London:

Camberwell Haven, near to King’s College Hospital (South)
Whitechapel Haven, near to Royal London Hospital (East)
Paddington Haven, near to St Mary’s Hospital (West)

While MEN R US maintains that The Havens is an invaluable service, user intel indicates it could - and perhaps should - be more friendly and accessible towards gay men, bisexual men and men who have sex with men. However, should you be in need of The Havens this is not a reason not to go.

Personal safety | Suzy Lamplugh Trust
Survivors UK | Web chat/ text chat
Domestic violence | Stonewall
LGBT Domestic Abuse Partnership

Personal information | MEN R US
Consent and sex | MEN R US
Street safety | MEN R US
Cruising grounds | MEN R US

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